New ideas today... remembered some old things today, both in conversation with "Dancer" Kari Dennis' friend, (Whose name begins with J and I cant remember what else)

I remembered how great the Church's ARC meetings are. How strong the spirit is there and how it was great to feel the Spirit there on a regular basis.

In reading through Bruce's journals and papers, I remembered how much he loved me and I loved him. How great our relationship was when we were on track. Truly amazing! and how we really did bring on the crap ourselves. When he died, we were on a slippery slope again... Still holding tightly to eachother and God, but not to the principles that would last. I remember the feeling I had with him, in his arms, and that real desire to be sealed to him. To be with him forever.

Now that brings up several questions/ideas...

Do I still want to be sealed to him?
Do I want to return to recovery?
Do I want to return to church?
How has him passing through the veil changed him? Does he still want me? Will the bi-polar and adiction be gone now?
Do I want to remarry?
What am I looking for in my future>
What do I really like and want?

Those are the questions... wish someone had all the answers, who would just sit me down and tell me straight what they are...

Things I loved in my marriage...
Morning Coffee and Toast
morning email
Dates
singing and music
adventure outdoors
building family traditions
planning
passion
snuggling
kissing
presents just because
giving surprises just because
working together on a house project
him having my back when I was tired or being attacked
feeling wanted
GREAT conversations and idea generating and thoughtful & inspiring talks
His arm around me in church
holding my hand at movies
making out
picnics
feeling like a woman, not just a mom and wife
feeling safe to be wacky and sometimes over the top!
Appreciate the outdoors together
enjoy food together
love for travel together we had GREAT vacations planned together.
project oriented
help around the house
took care of things, like the money and honey-do lists.
Seeking and Finding the Spirit together.

All these things are things that made things great!

WHO AM I???
I am not who I am living right now... (I realize this fact is the reason for the blog in the first place!)
I want to go back to church... with my kids... and have the Spirit in my home.
I need His guidance with my life.
I need to walk the talk in my head that is good and from HIM.
I need to get over my pride and my lack of living right.
I can no longer sell myself short.

Who is in my life that can help me live the gospel and seek God more...
Amanda Olsen
Kari Dennis
Julie Nelson
Scott Schulze
Brian Procell
Dad Harr
Carolyn Harr
Wendy Snow
Karen Robarge

Interesting note... nearly all these people live in Orem. HMMmmmmmm.... Maybe I should re-think this move.