Cooler Temperatures... FINALLY!!!

This summer has been HOT! I mean, melt me then pour me out hot. It was also really different for us. there was no big vacation, just a couple jaunts here and there. I think the kids had fun with friends and neighbors and family though. We spent a lot of time with Treasure and that was great.

Now, school is back in session and the weather is cooling off nicely. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools. We began having family dinner and reading with the kids each night before they went to sleep. so I am reading 4 books right now. I have also begun baking. It helps to save money and the treats are better when I make them. Unless Topher bakes the dinner rolls on pre-heat like he did today. GRRRrrrrrrrr!

I began tutoring today, once a week for 2 hours and I get 4o.00 a week for it. It will cover fresh foods and gas for a week, that will help a lot. Unless I go to Salt Lake then it will only cover gas! LOL

I applied and have been hired to work at a drug rehab center in Provo. I have orientaton tomorrow. I am excited and nervous about it. I will be working graves which will leave me time to be with the kdis when they are home from school. I love that, but I don't know about when I will be resting. Then again, it is after 2:00 in the morning, and I am blogging and not feeling the leastbit tired. SOOOO I might as well be paid for the time I am awake.

I have had a heart softening about bruce and all his garbage lately. ALSO, with the first anniversary passing a couple weeks ago, I am feeling more lonely as well. It is harder to sleep alone than it was. It is hard to try to do family things with out him and I am loosing interest in dating rather quickly. I want to keep my friends near, but I have lost interest for the past few weeks in gettng involved again. that is new. I don't want to spend my holidays alone again. I don't want to spend my life alone.

Thank heaven for the kids. they are all really working in school and loving things that are happening there. Friends are being made and activities are being embraced. I am happy about that.

Sitting at meals is great... and so is the conversation we have there. Bruce loved that. So do I.

OK... so on Sunday, I took the kids to see Chris and on my way up, I texted Bill Thomason to see if he wanted to go to the Cotton Bottom to get a garlic burger and shoot some pool. I met Bill in April. We have gone out several times, but it has always been very platonic, but I love the conversation. He is funny and smart and spiritual and not affraid to say so.

Anyway, we were at his house talking and looking through his old yearbooks. He went to a private Episcopal HS too. Much in common there, but his was a ton bigger than RHSM. anyway, he has his arm around the back of the couch and I am right next to him and looking, hearing stories, asking questions and laughing. Next thing, we are kissing, then looking then kissing. Anyway, we end up making out in the bed and then are talking about eachother. Next thing i know he is telling me his secret dreams/fears. it was sooo touching and I felt honored that he would share those things with me. He feels called to become a priest for the Episcopal Church and honestly, he will be amazing. He is a gift to me right now, not sure for what, but I feel great when I am around him. I thank God for putting him in my life right now, and hope I can be a blessing in his.

New ideas today... remembered some old things today, both in conversation with "Dancer" Kari Dennis' friend, (Whose name begins with J and I cant remember what else)

I remembered how great the Church's ARC meetings are. How strong the spirit is there and how it was great to feel the Spirit there on a regular basis.

In reading through Bruce's journals and papers, I remembered how much he loved me and I loved him. How great our relationship was when we were on track. Truly amazing! and how we really did bring on the crap ourselves. When he died, we were on a slippery slope again... Still holding tightly to eachother and God, but not to the principles that would last. I remember the feeling I had with him, in his arms, and that real desire to be sealed to him. To be with him forever.

Now that brings up several questions/ideas...

Do I still want to be sealed to him?
Do I want to return to recovery?
Do I want to return to church?
How has him passing through the veil changed him? Does he still want me? Will the bi-polar and adiction be gone now?
Do I want to remarry?
What am I looking for in my future>
What do I really like and want?

Those are the questions... wish someone had all the answers, who would just sit me down and tell me straight what they are...

Things I loved in my marriage...
Morning Coffee and Toast
morning email
Dates
singing and music
adventure outdoors
building family traditions
planning
passion
snuggling
kissing
presents just because
giving surprises just because
working together on a house project
him having my back when I was tired or being attacked
feeling wanted
GREAT conversations and idea generating and thoughtful & inspiring talks
His arm around me in church
holding my hand at movies
making out
picnics
feeling like a woman, not just a mom and wife
feeling safe to be wacky and sometimes over the top!
Appreciate the outdoors together
enjoy food together
love for travel together we had GREAT vacations planned together.
project oriented
help around the house
took care of things, like the money and honey-do lists.
Seeking and Finding the Spirit together.

All these things are things that made things great!

WHO AM I???
I am not who I am living right now... (I realize this fact is the reason for the blog in the first place!)
I want to go back to church... with my kids... and have the Spirit in my home.
I need His guidance with my life.
I need to walk the talk in my head that is good and from HIM.
I need to get over my pride and my lack of living right.
I can no longer sell myself short.

Who is in my life that can help me live the gospel and seek God more...
Amanda Olsen
Kari Dennis
Julie Nelson
Scott Schulze
Brian Procell
Dad Harr
Carolyn Harr
Wendy Snow
Karen Robarge

Interesting note... nearly all these people live in Orem. HMMmmmmmm.... Maybe I should re-think this move.

Just finished snooping through other blogs of strangers, but one whom I am sure lives in Utah County...

One of the things I really need to do for me and my family is to begin having family dinner again. at a regular time and with actual meals... even when I am grumpy I need to do this.

SOOO I am going to begin with dinner tonight. We will have Barbaque Ribs, Greek Rice, smoothie and salad. If the weather stays cool, I will also have homemade bread and cookies for dessert. (Don't want to use an oven in a HOT weather day!) I will also post pics as an accountability deal!

So let it be written, so let it be done!

OK... it has been quite a few days since writing... not sure why I thought that I would get a million things done at once and that I would be able to post daily. My schedule, like my stomach, likes to hold more than it should. sort of like money, I spend my money 3-7 times in my mind before I even get it in the bank. GRRRR!

I have gone through my Kitchen and organized the cupboards and have gotten rid of the doubles and cooking things that I don't need or are duplicated. I have also decided to have a yard sale to help raise money to finish my house so I can sell it.

Kids are back home and it is good to have them here. I get so short a temper though it is really frustrating.

The closer I get to the anniversary of the wreck, the more freaked out I am getting. My life is still unrecognizable. At least it is to me. I think it has to be with the kids too. When I am away, I want to be home, when I am home I want to be away. this wrestless feeling really needs to go. Not sure how to do that.

I am more interested in moving to Salt Lake County than ever before. Orem feels like a prision. Not sure why. I am equally sure that moving will NOT solve my issues I have with feeling less than and wrestless. because where ever I go, there I am. I need to get a better handle on my life.

Suicide thoughts are becoming more prevalent as I go deeper and deeper into debt. That is scary to me. Still, at the same time, i think it could solve things too. but I wouldn't do that to the kids. Even when I am sure they will be better off without me, I know that is twisted, but there it is.

July 19, 2010

This is a few days later...

I have come to the conclusion that money sucks and my ability to deal with it is worse. I need to make peace with my fight with money. I need to learn to see it differently. Currently, it is an escape thing. If I shop, I have value because I will have nice things. As long as I can buy things, I am ok. If it is a really good deal, I should stock up. I just don't see a way to adjust to a healthy relationship. I know that is not because there isn't one, but is because I don't know what that relationship looks like. AT ALL!

I need to start throwing stuff out, and clearing things away and to begin sort out the crap! I see a yard sale happening and hope the money will come with it.

Heck, if clean house can do it, so can I! Right?

It will be good to take a break from men for a while. I need that for a couple days. Hope I can fill the void I feel with love and peace and The Spirit. I have been away from that feeling and am really feeling that void. So, on that note... Heaven help and Bless me!

Today started out like HELL!!!

Ripo man at my door for the car... I was not home and he talked to my poor Hannah!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~~~

So I went online and called them, and the Orem City stuff, and I am facing things and dealing with what I can.

I am not doing well with not having a man around all the time. I DID resist texting Mitch all day yesterday though. That was hard. In the end, he texted me and it was awesome to see him when I was able to get there.

I spent time with Treasure first. I am so glad she is back in my life and that I have been able to turn to her and been able to help her when I can. She is amazing and so loving. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better after being around her.

I ate a salad and that was healthy. I also got some sleep. That is nice and a new thing.