Just finished snooping through other blogs of strangers, but one whom I am sure lives in Utah County...

One of the things I really need to do for me and my family is to begin having family dinner again. at a regular time and with actual meals... even when I am grumpy I need to do this.

SOOO I am going to begin with dinner tonight. We will have Barbaque Ribs, Greek Rice, smoothie and salad. If the weather stays cool, I will also have homemade bread and cookies for dessert. (Don't want to use an oven in a HOT weather day!) I will also post pics as an accountability deal!

So let it be written, so let it be done!

OK... it has been quite a few days since writing... not sure why I thought that I would get a million things done at once and that I would be able to post daily. My schedule, like my stomach, likes to hold more than it should. sort of like money, I spend my money 3-7 times in my mind before I even get it in the bank. GRRRR!

I have gone through my Kitchen and organized the cupboards and have gotten rid of the doubles and cooking things that I don't need or are duplicated. I have also decided to have a yard sale to help raise money to finish my house so I can sell it.

Kids are back home and it is good to have them here. I get so short a temper though it is really frustrating.

The closer I get to the anniversary of the wreck, the more freaked out I am getting. My life is still unrecognizable. At least it is to me. I think it has to be with the kids too. When I am away, I want to be home, when I am home I want to be away. this wrestless feeling really needs to go. Not sure how to do that.

I am more interested in moving to Salt Lake County than ever before. Orem feels like a prision. Not sure why. I am equally sure that moving will NOT solve my issues I have with feeling less than and wrestless. because where ever I go, there I am. I need to get a better handle on my life.

Suicide thoughts are becoming more prevalent as I go deeper and deeper into debt. That is scary to me. Still, at the same time, i think it could solve things too. but I wouldn't do that to the kids. Even when I am sure they will be better off without me, I know that is twisted, but there it is.

July 19, 2010

This is a few days later...

I have come to the conclusion that money sucks and my ability to deal with it is worse. I need to make peace with my fight with money. I need to learn to see it differently. Currently, it is an escape thing. If I shop, I have value because I will have nice things. As long as I can buy things, I am ok. If it is a really good deal, I should stock up. I just don't see a way to adjust to a healthy relationship. I know that is not because there isn't one, but is because I don't know what that relationship looks like. AT ALL!

I need to start throwing stuff out, and clearing things away and to begin sort out the crap! I see a yard sale happening and hope the money will come with it.

Heck, if clean house can do it, so can I! Right?

It will be good to take a break from men for a while. I need that for a couple days. Hope I can fill the void I feel with love and peace and The Spirit. I have been away from that feeling and am really feeling that void. So, on that note... Heaven help and Bless me!

Today started out like HELL!!!

Ripo man at my door for the car... I was not home and he talked to my poor Hannah!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~~~

So I went online and called them, and the Orem City stuff, and I am facing things and dealing with what I can.

I am not doing well with not having a man around all the time. I DID resist texting Mitch all day yesterday though. That was hard. In the end, he texted me and it was awesome to see him when I was able to get there.

I spent time with Treasure first. I am so glad she is back in my life and that I have been able to turn to her and been able to help her when I can. She is amazing and so loving. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better after being around her.

I ate a salad and that was healthy. I also got some sleep. That is nice and a new thing.

Day one...

July 14

It is fitting that this blog begin on the 14th of the month. I was born on the 14th and it is my lucky number... perhaps this will be the catalyst and accountability I need to be brave and make the changes I will need to in my life. To actually GET A LIFE!

I am currently 4o lbs over weight. I need to remedy that.
I am currently $1,200 in debt. I need to remedy that.
I am currently unemployed. I need to remedy that.
I am not the mom or homemaker I can be. I need to remedy that.
I am looking for peace outside myself. I need to remedy that.
I need to plan and lay out a map for my life and all these things are a part of that.

My dearest cousin helped me with a budget. It was hard and embarassing because I had to face and admit to someone else how out of control my finances have become.

I am short $2,000 a month to live the way I want to live. To do the things I want to do, and be able to live in a reasonable budget. Currently I get my income through Social Security from the death benifit from my late husband. I have to decide what to do now, as my last career as a teacher is no longer possible or desirable to me. SOOO the question is... How do I earn 2K and quickly! What do I do?

I have realized lately, I am looking for a solution outside of myself. Primarily in a man. I have not been with out one in my life EVER! I started having boyfriends at 14, and between them and husbands, there was always my dad, there to support me, listen and advise. Having no one around, male or otherwise, is a terrifying prospect. I need to overcome that.

My home is in complete disaray. I hav more unfinished MAJOR projects in this house than I know what to do with. flooring, wallpaper, paint, trim, doors, all around and unfinished. PLUS it is a mess. I don't like it.

I live in Orem. I don't like it here, and I would like to move back to Salt Lake City where I have my people and support people.

I have the opportunity to have a clean start. I am ready to take that on. I am going to blog this journey. We will see...